I don't know where to start. Nothing seems to be making sense these days. I have a story to tell. I have to say, I haven't told anyone about it. Sometimes I think it is best not told, but who knows. All I know is that my life has gotten out of control.

Five months ago I got pregnant. Then, my boyfriend dumped me. That's right, he broke up with me when he found out I was pregnant. My world came tumbling down. Unless you have been in a situation like this, you won't know what I am talking about.

I had all of these bills to pay. As you might know, when you get pregnant, you have go to the doctor a lot. My boyfriend didn't pay one cent of my doctor bills. Hell, he ran out of state. I still don't know where he is. I guess that is for the best.

A few weeks ago I had a miscarriage. I felt sick and I went to the hospital. I delivered my baby and he was dead. I never even knew it was a boy until he came out dead. I was devastated. I had taken care of myself so well, to have something like this happen.

The whole time my boyfriend wasn't there for me. Now, he wasn't there for me again. I wish I could explain how much I hate that son of a bitch, but I guess it isn't worth my time. All I can think of doing to him is, kicking him as hard as I can in his nuts. That would make everything better. Maybe not, but I would feel better.

It does bother me that my son is dead and that asshole doesn't even know about it. I haven't even tried contacting his family. I figure he didn't care about me when I was pregnant, he wouldn't care if it is dead.

This is a real story that happened. I don't think of myself of a woman who does this sort of thing, but I was feeling very lonely. Not just lonely, but upset too. If you have been through what I have been, you know what I am talking about. Nothing is like loosing your own child.

"What's wrong Susie?" My neighbor Stan asked.

I was sitting on my porch with my head in my hands.

"I had a miscarriage." I said while crying into my hands.

"Where is your boyfriend?" Stan asked.

"He left me when he found out I was pregnant." I muttered.

"That asshole!" Stan said as he slammed his foot on the ground.

"Your telling me. I am so sick." I said wiping my eyes.

"I haven't eaten anything all day long. I haven't ate anything since I came back from the hospital last night." I said.

Stan looked down at me and gave me a strange look. I wasn't sure what was on his mind.

"If you want, I can fix you something to eat." Stan said.

"I don't want to be any trouble." I said putting my face back into my hands.

"You aren't being any trouble. I have some leftovers you can eat." Stan said as he rubbed my back.

We went into his apartment. I have never been inside his apartment before. It was so spotless, a spec of dirt would have stood out like a soar thumb. It was almost too clean. It was kind of like the hospital that I was in last night.

Stan sat me down in the kitchen and he went through the refrigerator. He put a armful of stuff on the counter.

"Do you like chicken?" Stan asked.

"Yes. I like chicken." I replied.

Stan put some chicken and other things on a plate and stuck it in the microwave. I must not have been paying attention, because it seemed the food was done right after he put it in. Though, my mind wasn't very clear at the time.

Stan put the plate next to me and handed me a fork.

"Do you want something to drink?" He asked.

"I'll take a glass of water." I said.

He gave me a glass of water and sat down next to me. The food was good, but the chicken was a little chewy. That is why I don't like to cook in a microwave. I think it ruins food, but I couldn't be picky. I was so hungry and he was being so nice to me.

Stan lit a cigarette and blew the smoke away from me.

"Can I get a cigarette off of you?" I asked.

"I didn't know that you smoked." I don't, but I need something to relax me." I said.

Stan gave me a cigarette and he lit it for me. I took a few puffs off of it and blew the smoke out of my nostrils. I have always thought smoking was fun, but I never wanted to get hooked. Cigarettes cost way to much to smoke them all the time.

"You are a good cook." I said after I chewed a mouthful of food.

"Thank you. They are just leftovers from last night." Stan said as he put out his cigarette.

The cigarette smoke tasted strange. It is weird how every brand tastes different. The smoke tasted strange because it tasted kind of weak.

"What kind of cigarettes are these?" I asked.

"These are Winston Lights." Stan said as he showed me the pack.

I never have smoked a light before. I always wondered what the difference was. Now I know, the lights are weak compared to the regular cigarettes.

I finished the food and I took the last puffs off of my cigarette. I tried putting the cigarette out, but I am not good at it. I always just end up scooting the ashtray around when I try.

"You need to stomp the cigarette butt out." Stan said as he fished my cigarette butt out amongst the others.

"Take it and stomp it down on the ashtray. Like you would if you were trying to get a paper off of a straw." Stan said as he put out my cigarette.

I've always been fascinated at how people smoke. How they hold the cigarette, how they blow the smoke out, and how they put the cigarette butt out. I don't smoke enough to actually get good at doing these things. I also like the smell of some cigarettes. Some cigarettes smell good and others smell like rags being burnt. I also like to smell pipe tobacco from time to time. But, it seems that only old men smoke pipes these days.

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